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Owner, "MAP Wellness" - a culinary nutrition and wellness company. Writer. Passionate cook, raw food chef, reiki practitioner, yoga teacher, and LIVE WELL educator. ​do yoga. enjoy good food. run. plant food. cook. savour wine. read books. buy good food. love. grow your energy. find peace. enjoy food. have passion. skip. eat food. do yoga. listen to jazz. have presence. be present. bike. read. see. hear. be. live. love.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Yup, I said it.  Or I wrote it, I suppose.  It is a word that I used to be so ashamed of saying out loud.  But now I use it with ease as it is a part of who I am, was, and will become.  It has been a part of my life for more than fifteen years, and it has taken me up until this point to realize that it is nothing to apologize for.  It just is.  

I remember back when I was first "diagnosed" with my bulimia, it was a word that left waves of uncomfortable silence in it's wake.  At that time, my mother was desperate to find educational support and medical assistance, but resources were next to nil and for the most part people just didn't talk about eating disorders.  There was such a massive stigma associated with not only the word, but everything that came along with it.  Eating disorders, especially bulimia, were considered gross, silly, shallow, and easy to cure...  

Just eat, dammit!  

Ha, if it were only that simple...It is now quite well known that ED's go so much deeper than that, and as far as I am concerned, my ED might just be a lifelong affliction that I need to constantly shine awareness on.  Case in point, it was only a year ago today that ED really kicked my ass for what I hope was to be the very last time...

 If you have been reading my blog for a time, you know what I am talking about (  On January  25 2011, I had a very nasty visit from ED- my eating disorder, and for the first time in my thirty years I spent the night in the emergency room. 

Looking back to where I was at that time, I realize that I was not anywhere close to happy even though I thought I was making huge strides as far as my "positivity in times of chaos" went.  I certainly was moving in an upward trajectory in a few areas of my life, but little did I know that the worst was still to come. There was a lot more icky-ness that was waiting in the wings, and I am pleased that I did manage to get through Spring of 2011 without anymore colossal relapses, even as my universe seemed to implode around me.

My, how things change in time.  While my ultimate goal is to someday soon be able to say that I have fully kicked ED to the curb,  I am at the same time very grateful to have finally banished most of my self blame, self pity, and embarrassment about my bulimia.  I would be lying if I said I that I never have ED-inspired thoughts at times when my anxiety peaks, my stress levels soar, or when my heart is aching.  But, what is real and true, is that I also have quite a few tricks up my sleeve to combat those ideas, and have developed a slew of brilliant ways to cope, and to blot out those false perceptions before they can cause me any harm.  

So, today, one year later, I choose to renew my vow to never get to the low point ever again.   I am, after all, a hell of a lot smarter than ED, and damn stronger than my ego.

1 comment:

  1. I love your soul meggers, and please know, that no matter how far apart, or how much time has past, I am where ever you may need me to be. Keep writing, it cleanses the soul, and lightens the heart.



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