Cuba then..where now?

Exactly one year ago right now, I was in Cuba. Those are my feet.

It had been almost a month since my father had passed away, and I was up one tattoo, down one job, and feeling pretty lost.  During dad's final weeks with us, I had been employed with a kids show that had me travelleing all across Canada for the month of May, and therefore I was not able to spend that period by his side.  Not that we knew it was going to be the last days we'd have with him, but all the same, had I been in the province, I would have been able to visit a few more times, and more importantly, it would have allowed my being present at the hospital during the last few days that he was conscious.  Regrettably, once I was able to get away from show production, it was too late, and the last time I would see my father smile was to be the Easter prior. How did I get to say good-bye to him in the last ten hours he was here on earth?  One moment of eye contact.  And then he was gone.  

Upon my return to work with said show post-funeral, it was clear that I could not continue with the company - it did not work for me anymore, for many, many reasons.  I quit.  

And the next week I booked a trip to Cuba.

I needed to get away, to sort out all the thoughts swirling in my mind; the guilt, the regret, the grief.  Mostly I just wanted to detach.  I would definitely label myself as an introvert-extrovert, and as unhealthy as I know it sometimes may be, I do like to deal with my emotions in a quiet, personal way.  And seeking solitude is a tried and true method for doing it.

So I spent a week down South, running on the beach in the mornings, reading by the pool in the afternoons, and dancing at the disco after sunset.  I did manage to keep mostly to myself, but did also make a few resort pals while I was at it.  When I wanted company I could have it, if I needed quiet, I simply searched out a secluded sandy retreat all my own.  Did I figure anything out on this voyage?  Nah, but I did manage to release a lot of tears and pent up rage, and also got some much needed sleep; one thing I had been seeking desperately for months.

Upon return to Toronto, I was pretty undeterred by my lack of a job, and quickly managed to score a few great freelance gigs with various TV stations for the remainder of the summer.  Come fall I started my current full-time role with the morning show. Life has a way of working it self out when you need it to, huh?

Relaxing, eating, exploring.  And hey, no body issues anymore (I would never have posted the above pic a few years ago!) 

Well, a lot has certainly changed since last June.  A LOT.  I still haven't gotten through my guilt issues surrounding my relationship with my father, but I am slowly peeling away the layers of self-deprecation, and learning to forgive.  And I am continuing to live my life, as my pops would have wanted me to.

Enter my "To-Live List". 

This is my current, yet always evolving grouping of motivation, created earlier this year.  So where do things stand as of now?  Well...

My To LIVE list (in no particular order)
1. Learn Spanish

I have the at home CD kit and have put lesson one on my iPod!
2. Complete my "Culinary Nutrition Expert” course

DONE and DONE!  Certified, baby!
3. Travel: Italy, Brazil, Bali, Egypt, Greece, Manchu Picchu
4. Complete my Yoga Teacher Certification 

I am booked in to start this in September 2012!
5. Visit NYC at Christmastime
6. Start my own company in the health & wellness industry 

In progress!  You should SEE the logo and graphic look we are working on!  SEXY!
7. Open a "Nourishment Centre"- with a focus on eating disorder recovery
8. Snorkel
9. Learn to Salsa dance
10. Get published 

I started my novel last month!
11. Tour the Niagara On the Lake wineries via bicycle 

Myself and a group of gals from my CNE course are booked to do this in July!
12. Stay at a yoga ashram (long term, and short term)
13. Learn to sail a boat
14. Run a 1/2 marathon
15. Knit socks, mittens and eventually a sweater
16. Mail 20 love letters 

1 sent so far, from the heart.
17. Complete a Hot Yoga "30 Day Challenge" 

I may do this in July

Also exciting - I have completed my level 1 "Living on Live Foods" raw food chef certification and am scheduled to do my Level 2 this coming week.  I have also completed my Reiki level one certifiction and level 2 is booked for August.

Yup, life does have a funny way of working itself out indeed.  And as I sit on my cozy, comfy balcony writing this, I have joy in my heart, less pain on my chest, and fewer burdens weighing me down.  Do I think I will ever need another "Cuba trip"?  I hope not. I hope to never have to experience and then move on from what my family has been put through over the course of the last two years ever again.  But, at the same time, I do believe that from now on, when life throws me a curve ball and knocks me off my game, that I will be strong enough, brave enough, and present enough to face it head-on.  And be all that much better for it in the end.  

Yesssss. 

 

Om Shanti

This past weekend I had the fortunate pleasure of taking a breathe, and taking the trek up to paradise, by way of Kingston and Wolfe Island.  Shanti Retreat is a yogi's dream destination, right here in Ontario that evokes all the inspiration, love and blissful thoughts and experiences you might expect at the same type of community abroad.

My hosts, Wendy & Darin are a delight through and through, and after spending time studying in Thailand and elsewhere, living, breathing, and being yoga, the two decided to create this beautiful sanctuary along the St. Lawrence River and open their doors to people just like me. 
 

My "retreat" was a little different than most, as I was up there as part of my Culinary Nutrition Expert course (quick - there is still room to cook with Meghan Telpner for the fall semester!).  As part of the curriculum, we are required to complete a certain number of apprentice/co-op hours in a foodie environment, and I was lucky enough to land placement in Shanti's kitchen with veggie-cook superstar chef Robinette.   So off I went, to the tropics of Canada, to find peace, fabulous food, and unexpectedly, a deeper sense of me.

Here, my weekend in photos:

 

 

Upon reflection of my joyous time at Shanti, it is clear that I belong in the yoga community.  Later this week I will be signing the papers to enroll myself in a 250 hour Yoga Teacher Certification course that begins this fall.  With all the serendipitous events that have been unfolding in my world these days, I know this is the right path for me, and I know I will sometime soon reside again (perhaps much more long term) in the karma way...and really live the way my life was meant to be lived.

Namaste

How I live

I just hopped online to check out my weekly life's happenings prediction via a fave astrology site, and wow is it bang on.  Ever checked out Free Will Astrology?  I have been watching it ever since an ex introduced me.  I find it entertaining, insightful, and quite on target...mostly.  At times I can't make sense of a single breath of the authors whimsical musings, but when he strikes the bulls-eye, he does so with panache!

Scorpio Horoscope for week of June 14, 2012 Twenty-four-year-old actress Annalynne McCord has risen up in rebellion against what she calls "Hollywood's perfection requirement." Lately she has been brazenly appearing in public without any make-up on. She has even encouraged paparazzi to snap photos of her in her natural state. "I'm not perfect," she says, "and that's okay with me." I nominate her to be your role model in the coming weeks, Scorpio. You will be able to stir up useful blessings for yourself by being loyal to the raw truth. You can gain power by not hiding anything. (And yes, I realize that last statement is in conflict with the core Scorpionic philosophy.) Here's my guarantee: It'll be fun to be free of unrealistic images and showy deceptions.

I'm just saying...that as of late, I have been, plan to, and will be doing just this.  For the rest of my glorious life.  This blog is a testament to that. I hide nothing.  I welcome greatness.  I have no shame.

Feels pretty good.  Why don't we all act like Scorpios this week, and see how it makes us feel?!

A little reading...

A couple of weeks ago at work I got the wonderful opportunity to meet author Augustine Burroughs.  You might know the name as he was the mind behind the novel behind the great movie "Running with Scissors".  He has a new book out right now entitled...

This Is How: Help for the Self.  Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More. For Young and Old Alike.

He was a gentle man to meet, his presence calming, even as he sported a citrus-orange leather jacket, even as his list of brilliant works and writings hovered over us, a daunting presence, as I brought him into the studio...

Here, a quote from the new novel that really spoke to me:

Love doesn't use a fist.  
Love never calls you fat or lazy or ugly.  
Love doesn't laugh at you in front of your friends...
Love does not maintain a list of your flaws and weaknesses.  
Love believes you.

Yes.  Truth. 

One Year later

Today is the day.  One year ago, the universe decided that it was time.  Whatever, whoever,  this higher power is that reigns over us declared May 29, 2011 as my fathers last day to be here in his body, on Earth.  

This deciding entity had moved to have him be ill, suffer, and have disease long before that (or not really all that long at all actually, as he was only diagnosed 15 months prior to his passing), as the ALS and FTD that took over his body had decisive plans. 

This day changed the course of reality.  For him, for our family, for every person and life that my father touched while here, and those he hadn't yet had the chance to.  I still hate everything about this situation.  I am angry, frustrated, sickened, heart broken and sad.  I am forever changed.  My life is forever different.  

And God dammit it is hard.

Every. Single. Day. 

I don't see that changing any time soon.  The constant reminders will always be around; fathers are everywhere, after all, and each time I witness a tender interaction between dad and daughter, a hug shared between son and his senior...I get the "pang".

The pang of pain in my heart that I won't ever get those opportunities again.  The pang of guilt that I hadn't cherished ALL OF THEM, when I had the chance.  

The pangs of regret for not saying what I felt, acting how I wanted too, spending the time that I should have...

What does get me by is memory.  Recalling all the greatness that my father was, the happy moments, the puns, the stern yet loving manner in which he raised us girls.  For the first few months after his passing, it was hard to remember "healthy dad".  He had been ill with the dementia and ALS for only a short time, but those were the recollections that were in the forefront of my mind; both the good and the bad; the goofy smile he always had on his face, the clumsy way he went about daily tasks, the tender look in his eye when I knew he was non-verbally thanking my mother for all she did for him...

Now I try to remember my father the way he would have wanted me to.  I recall the strong, determined, athletic man that he was, with quick as a whip wit.  I remember the softball coach in him, the teacher, the hobby farmer, the traveler, the western movie fan in him.  The grandfather, the daddy, the husband, friend, and son in him.  I remember him as him.

A year is a long time, and not a long time.  A lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same.  Only my dad and I know what has really gone on in my world...as I know he is an angel, with me all the time, my conscience, my motivation, my source of strength.  At his funeral there were many folk who told me of how proud my father had always been of me.  I hope he would continue to say the same now and in the future, as I work to better myself, my life, our world.

One year.  And it still hurts so bad.  

I love you dad, I miss you dad. XOXO Forever. 

Universal Energy & Other Sharing

Summer is here! The scents, signs and sweetness have been felt in here in Ontario over the past couple of weeks.  If you didn't know any better, you'd think Spring was playing hookie, only to have her older, more mature sister take the reigns prematurely!  And I am a-okay with that - Summer, you can drop early anytime.

I recently made a trip back to my hometown to spend some quality time with my mother.  That woman is a rock.  Just this morning, as I was out for my sunrise run, I got to thinking about her. I can not recall the exact reason why she ended up the focus of my running meditation, but she did nonetheless.  Perhaps it is because in the back of my mind I know that in two days we mark the exact one year anniversary since the death of my father.  Perhaps it is because my mother has been an outstanding image of strength, courage and complete inspiration over the course of the past 363 days.  I am in awe of her ability to learn and grow in such a way that she has; taking over every little life detail that my dad once resided over.  She has filled her new-normal life with an abundance of fulfilling activities; seeing theatre shows weekly, volunteering at the local playhouse gift shop, becoming an active member of countless organizations, and also still taking the time to attend many ALS and FTD related groups as a supportive "knower".  My mom has weekly card game days with her girlfriends, and sings in the church choir.  She gives her time to the local rummage and penny sales, and if you have a knitting question, you can be sure you can count on her to help. Now that the warm season is here, she whiles away her free time (if she has any?!) in her backyard, caring for her perennials and annuals alike, and tending to her fruitful vegetable garden, a treat for us all come harvest. 

My mother lives an abundant and thriving life, with a youthful glow unlike any other woman her age I know.   My mother is who she is even after being dealt an alarming amount of misfortune in her years.  You see, my mother lost two sisters and a pregnancy in 1979 (less than a year before I was conceived).  She lost both her Dutch parents and a sister and brother in-law in the 90's.  My mother lost her best friend, lover, partner and husband, my father, in 2011. 

But she is still smiling.  God, I only wish I had half of her strength.  And am I so damn proud to call her my mom.  Love you!!

Mom, as we shopped for gorgeousness last weekend at home

Okay, so as mentioned, I spent some time in Exeter recently.  My mother is many wonderful things, but one thing she is not, is vegan.  However, there is always lots to eat in my mom's kitchen, and I am happy to say that I was able to make do with what we had, and improvise plenty of yummy, balanced, and creative meals to enjoy in the comfort of home.  To that end, when mom picked me up from the bus station that visit, we opted to make only a couple of pit-stops before heading home to bask in the backyard sunshine, neither of which included the grocery store.  Stop number one as a country nursery for flowers, stop number two was the LCBO.  :) Perfect. 

Improvised vegan burgers on the grill, PLUS fresh asparagus from mom's garden!

Recipe success: vegan cashew waffles

Stop number three was Canadian Tire, where mom wanted to pick up a new water filter.  Yay!  Not so yay?  Seeing "Roundup" pesticide displayed under lock and key.  WHAT IS IN THAT STUFF THAT THEY FEEL THE NEED TO LOCK IT UP??  Frightening.

The following Saturday morning, we hopped in mom's brand new car (she finally bid adieu to Dad's convertible and her older model SUV in favour of one shiny new set of wheels), and were off to visit my Grandma Pearson.  My Grams is 94 years old.  She lost her husband, my Grandad long before I was brought into the world, and raised 8 kids all on her own.  Talk about another pillar of strength, huh?  Her health has been deteriorating over the last couple of years, worse since my father died.  She had already buried my uncle Jim, and now dad.  Not really fair for one mother, but she is still trucking along, laughing at jokes, worrying about what outfit she has on, the shape of her manicure, and whether or not I am safe living in the big bad city of Toronto.  She may be completely blind, slightly hard of hearing, and confined to her high end wheelchair, but I think Grams is here for a long while yet.  Her mom, my Great-Grandma lived to be 103 years old, after all.  Resilience is in the family DNA. 

Perhaps I should serve my grams with some Reiki next time I visit....

Reiki means universal energy (Rei = universal, ki = energy)
 

I am now officially a Level 1 Reiki practitioner!  Yup, that's right, I even have a diploma to prove it.  A few weeks ago, on the sunniest of Sundays, I chose to spend 9.5 hours indoors at a lovely Davisville integrative health centre, learning and attaining the "attunement" I needed to share the healing power of Reiki.  

So, you ask, HOW DOES REIKI WORK?

Reiki is one of the more widely known forms of energy healing. Energy healing involves direct application of Ki for the purpose of strengthening the client’s energy system (aura). Ki (in Japanese) or Chi (in Chinese) is the term used by the Chinese mystics and martial artists for the underlying force the Universe is made of.  After being initiated by a Reiki Master, the practitioners’ (that's me!) energy aura is modified in such a way that the hands are now capable of sending (channeling) Reiki energy in a spontaneous way, continuously, without effort. This capacity or ability to heal others and oneself will not be lost or changed (raise or shrink) during the practitioner’s entire life. 

*source: http://www.naturesintentionsnaturopathy.com/reiki/reiki-energy.htm

I am doing my "Reiki of 7 levels" certification, hoping to move onto level 2 in late June.  For now though, I need to get practice in.  I plan on offering up my services to friends to gain the hours and confidence I need and hope to do treatments out of my flat very soon. Once again I have been blessed by the serendipity goodness of life, and upon mentioning my need for a "practice" table, my dear friend Mary from my culinary course offered up her folding massage unit for my use!  

Amazing.  

Anyone feeling out of sorts?  I might be able to help cure what ails ya.  :)

So that is what is going on here.  I will have another follow up post soon, as well as an update on my first ever Culinary Nutrition Workshop that I taught last weekend; super fun!  For now, here is just a teaser - me = teacher:

Green Recovery

Life happens.

I was feeling neglectful today; having not posted here for weeks.  I do have a few ideas for a nice lengthy post to do over the weekend, but for now, I will simply share a little something that feels like a real milestone.  I have been less than private about many things that have happened and are happening in my life up until now, as this blog really is my medium to face, accept, and move on from hardships, heartbreak, and herculean hiccups.  This blog is, after all, my place of hope, healing and happiness. 

A couple of weeks ago, I took a leap outside of my comfy site, and shared my struggle with bulimia via an outside source, a wonderful website called "Choosing Raw".  Gena Hamshaw is the creator, and she is also the brilliant creature behind the "Green Recovery Series" - stories written by and about folks that have found freedom from their eating disorders by adopting a vegan lifestyle.  After reading a few entries there, I knew I wanted to share my story.  So I did.  And she did.  And I got my very own special category of "recovery-in-progress", as I do believe that my recovery will be a life long project.

It felt GREAT to speak out.  And I feel so blessed to have received so many honest, touching, and inspired comments on the piece.  On behalf of all of us Green Recover-ers, and all that fight disordered eating, thank you Gena.  

Here it is:

http://www.choosingraw.com/recovery-in-progress-meghans-story/